Are You Winning at Life? Reimagining Success Through the Lens of "Being" vs. "Doing"- a short look at the mental load we all carry

Quote: "If your life scorecard was measured by how many minutes of 'being' you acquired rather than how many minutes of 'doing', would you be winning?" (question posed from @therapist_in_nyc)

We live in a culture that rewards the hustle. Productivity is praised, busyness is worn like a badge of honour, and the question “What do you do?” often defines our identity. But what if we flipped the script? What if the true measure of a life well-lived wasn’t in our to-do lists, our output, or our accomplishments—but in our capacity to simply be?

Recently, I spent a few days in the hospital, waiting for and then recovering from a minor surgery. With no computer, no laundry to do or food to cook (halleluja!), and having already reached out to my very understanding clients, I found myself in a rare space: one of just being. It was quiet, still, and in some ways freeing, but also incredibly difficult. Even as I lay in physical discomfort, my mind kept drifting back to home and work: checking in on things, wondering what I might be forgetting, trying to be proactive and assign tasks so that I won’t have to wonder what I’m coming back to. The habit of doing is so deeply ingrained, it follows us even into recovery.

And yet, as I sat in that hospital bed, this quote came to mind. And it hit me hard. I had no choice but to "be," and it brought up a deep truth I’ve long believed and often told my children: It's not what you do, but who you are that makes you loved, valued and WORTHY…They don’t need to be at the top of their classes or the “best” athletes to earn our pride or love. I want them to know they are enough exactly as they are—and, in those moments, I had to remember the same for myself. I could (and needed) to take this time to recover.

The Psychology of Doing vs. Being

In psychology, "doing mode" and "being mode" are concepts drawn from mindfulness-based cognitive therapy (MBCT).  If interested, see this quick and easy video on YouTube:

To summarize:

• Doing mode is goal-oriented. It’s where we solve problems, plan for the future, and seek to control outcomes. It’s practical and necessary.  However, it can also dominate our lives.

• Being mode, on the other hand, is about full presence. It’s non-striving, accepting, and open. It allows us to experience the moment without needing to change it. It's where we access peace, creativity, and emotional depth.

  
  

Most of us spend the majority of our waking hours in doing mode. Emails, deadlines, parenting tasks, even self-improvement efforts are all forms of doing. Being mode often gets relegated to the margins: a few quiet moments before bed, or maybe a short-lived feeling on vacation before the urge to plan kicks in again.

The Hidden Weight: Mental Load

At Off the Beaten Path, we often sit with people who, despite appearing high-functioning on the outside, are quietly overwhelmed by the mental load they carry. It’s one of the most common, and most invisible, sources of stress we hear about.

Mental load refers to the ongoing, behind-the-scenes cognitive effort it takes to manage life: remembering appointments, anticipating needs, planning meals, juggling work demands, thinking five steps ahead for your kids or partner or team. It's not just about doing tasks, but the constant, quiet thinking about the tasks. The to-do list never ends, and it often lives entirely in your head.

Clients will say “Even when I’m not working, I’m still working—mentally organizing everything.” They’re exhausted, not because they aren’t capable, but because they never truly get to rest. Their brains are always “on.”

This is where the tension between doing and being becomes especially pronounced. Even in moments that look calm from the outside such as sitting on the couch, taking a walk, having dinner, there’s often an internal churn of reminders, worries, and next steps. That relentless mental spin makes it incredibly difficult to access presence. "Being" doesn’t come naturally when your mind is overtasked.

Simply acknowledging the weight of this load and naming it and externalizing it, can be profoundly relieving. And when we begin to share that load, write things down, or set boundaries around our mental energy, we begin to clear the space for something deeper: stillness, awareness, and a return to ourselves.

Why Does This Matter?

Because chronic "doing" without enough "being" leads to burnout, anxiety, and a profound disconnection from ourselves. We become human doings rather than human beings. We live fast, but feel hollow.

Studies in mindfulness, flow, and well-being all point toward the same truth: Meaning and fulfillment are found in presence, not productivity.

Even happiness itself is elusive in doing mode. It becomes another task to accomplish. In being mode, however, happiness often arises naturally, as a side effect of presence and acceptance.

This echoes what positive psychology researcher Shawn Achor shares in his popular TED Talk, “The Happy Secret to Better Work”. He explains that we’ve mistakenly assumed success leads to happiness, when in fact, it’s the other way around. When we cultivate happiness and presence first, our productivity, creativity, and resilience improve as a result. In other words, doing flows better from a foundation of being. Happiness isn't a reward at the end of the hustle but is a resource we can build now, in the moment.

What Does “Winning” Look Like?

If your life’s success was judged by:

• How often you sat with your thoughts without distraction,

• How deeply you felt the sun on your skin or the words of a loved one,

• How many moments you fully inhabited without wishing they were different,

Would you still consider yourself successful?

This isn't to say we should abandon goals, productivity, or ambition. Rather, it’s about integration. Can we do from a place of being? Can we pursue our passions while staying grounded in presence?

How to Cultivate More “Being” in Your Life

• Practice mindfulness: Start with just 5 minutes a day of non-judgmental awareness of your breath or surroundings.

• Unplug intentionally: Set aside technology-free moments where you can reconnect with yourself or nature.

• Check in with your body: Doing mode lives in the head; being mode often starts in the body. Regularly scan how you feel.

• Let go of outcome fixation: Engage in activities just for the sake of doing them—like drawing, walking, or listening to music without multitasking.

• Be curious, not controlling: Approach your experience with curiosity, not a desire to manipulate it.

• Lighten the mental load: Share responsibilities when possible. Write things down to clear your mind. And most importantly, allow yourself permission to rest or recover, without guilt.

Final Thought

This experience reminded me how powerful it can be to carve out space—internally and externally—for being over doing. At Off the Beaten Path Psychology and Wellness, we hold that truth close. In this beautiful practice I’m honoured to be a part of, my colleagues and I work with individuals navigating anxiety, depression, burnout, and trauma—conditions that often keep the nervous system stuck in a state of chronic “doing.” We think deeply about how to help people not only lighten their mental load but also reconnect with the part of themselves that doesn’t have to earn rest, peace, or worthiness. Whether through talk therapy, mindfulness exercises, somatic awareness, or EMDR (Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing), our work is rooted in the belief that healing begins when we feel safe enough to slow down and simply be. We all need those reminders—especially when life forces us to pause—but the real transformation comes when we learn to give ourselves permission to pause, one glimmer, one breath, one moment at a time.

The true scorecard of life might not be your resume, your bank account, or even your reputation. It might be the invisible tally of moments you fully lived. Not rushed through, not optimized, not packaged for social media, but truly experienced.  This is not to say that “doing-mode” isn’t important…it absolutely is!  

But as the quote asked, if your life scorecard was measured by minutes of being instead of doing... would you be winning?

If not, what small change could you make today to tip the balance?

Note: If this reflection resonated with you, try taking a quiet moment now. Close your eyes, feel your breath, and simply be. No agenda. Just you. That, too, is living.