When Money Hurts: What I've Learned About Trauma and Financial Patterns
- Kristy McConnell, R. Psych.
- May 7
- 4 min read
I've been meaning to share some thoughts about something that's been on my mind lately — how the Trauma of Money course has completely changed the way I work with clients. And honestly? With the economy doing its roller coaster thing these days (hello, tariffs, market chaos, and general financial mayhem), these insights feel more relevant than ever.
It's Not Just About the Money, Honey
Here's what blew my mind: our relationship with money isn't just about spreadsheets and budgets — it's deeply psychological and often rooted in trauma, attachment wounds, or observations from our past that we've internalized as truths.
Those money habits we beat ourselves up about are often just trying to soothe deeper wounds. When Dr. Gabor Maté talks about how behaviours are secondary responses to primary problems, he might as well be talking directly about our financial patterns.
One simple question has been game-changing with clients: "Whose shame is this?" So often, we're lugging around money shame that doesn't even belong to us — it's been passed down like a weird family heirloom nobody actually wants.
Financial Soothing: The Many Flavours of Money Stress
Since taking this course, I've spotted several ways people (myself included!) try to soothe their money trauma:
The Money Hoarders
This goes beyond stuffing receipts in shoeboxes. I've seen clients who are emotionally attached to their money as a safety blanket while simultaneously feeling guilty about having it. These folks can believe money equals security AND something to feel bad about at the same time.
The Gamblers and Risk-Takers
Here's where the brain chemistry gets interesting! That dopamine hit from taking financial risks isn't actually about the money — it's about feeling like you've beaten the system. It's a quick fix for feeling in control when life seems chaotic.
The Work-Till-You-Drop Crew
In a world that treats burnout like a badge of honour, workaholism often flies under the radar. One client recently realized her 60-hour work weeks weren't about "hustle culture" but the responsibility she learned carrying her parent's emotional load as a kid. Her parent struggled with alcohol, and now she's working on putting down that heavy load and taking time to explore her own authentic values around money and work—separate from the patterns she inherited.
The Retail Therapy Enthusiasts
The "feast or famine" pattern is real. If you grew up with not enough, balanced spending as an adult can feel impossible. The concept of "temptation tax" — how scarcity actually increases overspending — explains so much about those post-payday splurges.
Money Trauma in Four Flavours
The four basic trauma responses show up in our financial lives in some pretty predictable ways:
Freeze: "What bills? I don't see any bills!" Stuffs unopened mail into drawer
Flight: "This investment strategy isn't working fast enough. Let's try cryptocurrency! No wait, real estate! No wait..."
Fight: "I'll make partner by 35 if it kills me!" It might.
Fawn: "Sure, I can spot you $500 even though my own rent is due." Cries in overdraft fees.
That last one — financial fawning — has been especially common in my practice lately. As money gets tighter for everyone, more people are sacrificing their financial health to please others, often repeating childhood patterns where love had to be earned through self-sacrifice.
My Own Money Journey
I've got my own financial patterns too that have come to light through my learning in the Trauma of Money. One thing I've noticed about myself is that I feel MUCH better paying off debt than building savings. There's something so satisfying about watching those numbers go down that saving just doesn't give me.
The problem? Sometimes this means I'm throwing extra cash at low-interest debt when that money could be earning more in investments. Logically, I know I might be losing out on future earnings, but emotionally? That debt-free dopamine hit is hard to resist!
Another big insight: our relationship with money is deeply connected to our relationship with time. Through the trauma lens, many clients see their current financial situation through the filter of painful past experiences, or they're so worried about future insecurity that they can't be present.
This shows up in my own life when I find myself powering through exhaustion to complete "just one more task" or feeling guilty about taking a proper weekend off. I'm practicing giving myself the same compassion I offer my clients — recognizing that my work-rest boundary issues aren't a character flaw but a pattern that deserves some gentle attention.
Final Thoughts (For Now)
As we navigate these financially wild times, I'm super grateful for this trauma-informed perspective. Instead of just telling clients to "make a budget!" (as if they never thought of that), I can help them explore why their money patterns exist and guide them toward financial relationships that actually support their wellbeing.
We're all working to move from being "reactors" to "actors" in our financial lives — which feels more necessary than ever with the economy doing... whatever it's doing these days.
What about you? What financial patterns have you noticed in yourself during these uncertain times? And more importantly, are you bringing yourself some compassion around them?
References:
Trauma of Money. (2023). The Trauma of Money Method™: A trauma-informed approach to financial well-being. https://traumaofmoney.com
Maté, G. (2022). The Myth of Normal: Trauma, Illness, and Healing in a Toxic Culture. Avery Publishing.